What would you think if I told you the one thing you found most attractive in your partner when you first got together, could possibly be the same attribute that causes your relationship to dissolve? I am not saying it WILL break you up, but after hearing many stories in the 5 years of Matchmaking, there is sometimes a common occurrence.
Here’s an example. I was talking to a woman recently who was lamenting to me about how many hours her husband is putting in at work. She said since he has worked at home due to Covid, he is always working. He puts in way more hours than when he worked at the office. The ironic thing is, she said his drive, ambition, and motivation to succeed were what first attracted her to him when they met. I suppose over time she now finds that same quality in him to be exhausting.
One man I spoke to admitted to me that he was first drawn to his wife solely based on one thing.. He said her beauty and stunning looks had him head over heels when they met. He was so smitten. 10 years later, he said they constantly argue about her need to always be totally done up with make up and hair every time she leaves the house. He said as she has gotten older, she is even more obsessed with preserving her youth and takes so long to get ready, and he feels she puts more effort on herself than the relationship.
Maybe you are drawn to funny people. You meet someone really hilarious, and you are in awe of how this person is always making you laugh.. You are in love. then, when all they do is joke around and can never get serious when it’s called for, you suddenly think it’s irritating.
Or maybe you fell in love with a musician, and now you are growing tired of the need to always be jamming with the boys.
Or you were drawn to an elite athlete because they are so disciplined and healthy.. Guess what elite athletes do for hours and hours and hours.. They train! Maybe you fell in love with the ‘Life of the Party’ and now you can’t get that person to leave a party.
It’s hard to believe that something you were so attracted to in the early days, is now what is causing resentment. This is when it’s important not to lose sight of your relationship. It’s wonderful to be independent, and have your own hobbies, and activities, but while you may want to nourish those hobbies, your relationship needs to be fulfilled as well. Seeing a couples counselor would be a great idea to get back on track.. Your partner is more important than that work project that has to be submitted, or that new song you are working on.
Relationships are hard work, but they are worth the effort. Focus on how attracted you were in the early days and work on communicating with your partner without placing blame.
At least if you work at it, and get some help and still dissolve the relationship, you can both hold your head high knowing you gave it your best shot.
As you may have seen, I am moving on to a new chapter in the Fall and am closing my business at the end of the summer. So for you procrastinators, it’s your ‘Last Chance at Romance’ and I have been hearing from many new people, one of whom could be your perfect match. So reach out to me today at holmes@wheretheheartis.ca.
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