If you have ever done any relationship work, you may be familiar with a book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages.
I think it’s beneficial to know your love language, and that of your partner, so you can both work at showing each other acts of love in a way that is well received. I will save the languages for another column, as today I am going to reveal what I think is the most romantic, respectful and strongest sign of love you can give your partner when you take your relationship to a more committed level.
The gesture of love I believe speaks volumes about how you feel about your partner is a co-habitation Contract — or prenuptial agreement.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We have lived together for 10 years and have been married for nine years. This is the second time around for us both. When we met, I had two kids. At the time, my daughter was 17 and my son was 12. My husband brought an 11-year-old son to the mix.
Dating after divorce brings other elements to the table and we were lucky we both had good relationships with our former spouses. Not all transitions are smooth. When we decided to move in together and commit to sharing our love and lives forever, we absolutely knew to see a lawyer to draw up a contract. Getting this done before moving in is vital and necessary, especially if you have children.
In my opinion, entering a second or third common-law union without a contract is like driving without a seatbelt. Of course you are not planning on getting into an accident, but if you do, that seatbelt sure comes in handy. Many people think getting such a contract drawn up is bad luck and puts a damper on the excitement and thrill of being in love. It seems more appropriate and enjoyable to focus on where to hang the art or place the leather sectional.
The question is: whose art is it? This may seem silly and irrelevant at the time, but imagine if there was something sentimental about the art and that you had always planned on leaving it for your kids. You can’t just assume that will happen because you hope it will.
Cohabitation contracts can be romantic. In fact, I see it as an official statement you are giving each other, a statement that you truly love the person for them, not for what they have. Interestingly, our contract was done up for us to look over and sign on Valentine’s Day. We had a lovely dinner and signed the documents.
The agreement can be something as simple as:
• In the event of a dissolution of the marriage, whatever items each party brought into the union will remain solely theirs.
• Anything that was accumulated together will be split.
I am sure some lawyers reading this right now are cringing, but those are simply examples. A good lawyer can draw it up properly and discuss the details, as everyone has a different story. The more complicated things are, the more important it is to have a good contract completed. The longer you are together, adjustments can be made down the road.
I am not saying to completely leave your partner out of the picture in these contracts, but the most important thing is to protect your kids along the way.
One area that surprises me is the number of millennials who are drawing up contracts for their first marriages. Many years ago, when couples got married young, the bride and groom likely didn’t even own a toaster. Back then, the idea was building together from nothing. Now though, millennials are getting married later and, by the time they are wed, they may have built up some assets and acquired their own wealth. That is not the only thing millennials are bringing to the marriage. Some are saddled with massive student loans and some have astronomical credit card debt.
Experts say half of millennials today are kids of divorce, so they are more prepared. It has also been noted that millennials have been so ingrained in the world of online dating apps like Tinder that they aren’t as romantic as the generation before. They have been swiping for dates, rather than flirting and focusing on one person. Of course, not all millennials are the same and some could very well be romantic, but studies are showing they are more rational when it comes to the business of marriage.
So, regardless of whether you are 85 and have built up an estate you hope your kids and grandkids can enjoy, or you are 45 and have finally emerged from the financial hardship of divorce, or you are 25 and have years of debt to pay off, it’s important to see a lawyer or notary public. It is crucial to have the proper document drawn up that is fair and gives you the security to know you can now focus on each other. Going through this can be what gives your relationship that special bond that keeps you together forever.
If you would like to meet someone special who is interested in you and not your money or your debt, contact me by email at holmes@wheretheheartis.ca and I can draw up the contract.
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